I resolve ...

 I've been thinking about the New Year and what to "resolve" or more specifically, what  are all the things I want to make different in my life. 

Will 2011 be the year I:

Get an apartment on my own? Add a kitty or two to my one person family? See my family more often?

 I have this friend who grew up playing sports and she lives by the code of decorum teams and the athletic life has taught her, so she's always having us make goals. My three girlfriends and I will sit at dinner and she'll pop up with "OK, so what are your goals for the week?" It's a tedious process because it's almost like saying it out loud makes you act on it, since you know at least three other people in the world will call you out if you slack off. I love it and hate it. In sports you are judged on your stats - so of course the more you points you score per game the more valuable you become. However, you can also gain credibility for at least shooting at the goal, but I'm committed to a sport that only has a finish line... 

There are a lot of things I've started in 2010 - becoming a writer is one of them, becoming a marathon runner, making peace with some of my relationships, etc.  Like any other race these have to come  full circle. So I think this year, I will resolve the following:

• Be happy 360 days a year
• Be a writer to my toughest critics
• Be a marathon runner
• Live in the moment and stop planning so much!

Great. Now I've told at least 30 people and 1 person in India, guess by this time next year I better make good on these.

A note for my dear readers; although resolve means to "clear away, reduce, break with" I suggest only making one of your goals this year a reduction and the other resolutions should add to your life - just something I learned you're more motivated to do something positive than negative!

Happy New Year, write to you soon. 

  

The Crystal Ball

What happens when people become painfully predictable? Like the finance idiot your best friend decides to give a chance to and turns out to be comparable to the gum you scraped off the bottom of your shoe. Or when you vow to wake up early to workout and end up sleeping in and still making it to the gym at 1:00PM because there was a Hallmark movie you just had to see? Oh, wait that last one isn't people, that's me.

Is being predictable bad or good? It doesn't seem to matter because you're going to do what you want anyway regardless of the red flags you see flying in your face. For example, if you know me longer than a week, you can predict that on Wednesday I will be grumpy before finishing two cups of coffee, every other day I'm approachable after  I finish one cup. But I guarantee you, even with this valuable insight someone will approach me Wednesday morning at 9:00 with some outlandish question. It's probably not that bad, but with a lack of caffeine ... not pretty.

Situations are predictable as well: like my good friend who is an account executive and the Time Warner scam. My friend lets Time Warner into her room to fix the cable and leaves him to make dinner in the next room. What do you think happened? Why would this be in my predictable post? You guessed it later that evening she realizes she is sans her ipod touch and officially a victim of petty theft in New York. Pretty predictable.

But I like people and situations that are predictable. I love nothing more than a controlled environment, I'm also someone who HATES change and short notice. I dated a guy once who was very "let it be, what will be will be, let's just go with the flow" ... needless to say we didn't work out because my need to outline and file things in my little world couldn't fit his fleeting and indecisiveness in the relationship folder.

Or my most recent version of the predictable predicament, my boyfriend announces that he might have a location change in his job. OH NO ... there goes my perfectly filed folder, so I made him have a discussion on vague pretenses and a lot of ifs, what ifs, and what happens when. All to satisfy my need to make sure I don't get caught off guard. It's a small way to convince my nervous nellie brain that at least I have a plan A, B and C.

Before you go condoning me as a control freak, hear me out. I love surprises like chocolate, flowers, nice gestures, happy coincidences. However, I also know a little too much heart ache and survival tactics for my age. I can't plan everything, but for right now, I'm in a bounce back and luckily, the imbalance in my life is taking a break so I can get my footing just right. Speaking of footing, I'm starting to train and build a base for the marathon in the Spring. It's funny, when you no longer have college schedules to predict your next move, you rely on other milestones ... like marathon number three (AKA NJ MARATHON YOU ARE GOING DOWN PT. 2).

Write to you soon! Happy Holidays!

And then there was the other shoe ...

I've confessed my secrets about being a nervous nellie and someone who is perpetually nervous or anxious. I even subtly mentioned about the checklist I run through when I leave my house or work every day. Keys? Check. Wallet? Check. Sanity ... eh? While, these nuances might be unique to double d, I've discovered a trend that many my age + can relate to...the idea of 'waiting on the other shoe to drop'.
Growing up has made me realize several things (too many to count) but most certainly I've come to the conclusion that in this transition period the elder call "the twenties" you live each moment as your last or in some situations become too scared to move because you are waiting for the other shoe. So many things about getting older is a perpetual waiting game, "will I get the job", "will I find my perfect apartment", "will I fall in love"? The essence of this waiting game is knowing there is something on the other side, and for you crazy dramatics it probably isn't half bad, but the point is when do you realize the shoe has fallen.
Not that I realize a shoe of mine has fallen, but I have come to find out that waiting is no way to live and we all do it. Trust me, I'm not going to end this post with "what's meant to be will be" because I hate that saying or "everything happens for a reason" -- someone come up with a better answer please. It's almost like, the shoe that drops is the one you were looking for anyway so you might as well put it on and keep on walking.
When you're older you have a better sense of being and the other shoe isn't about to drop. In fact the shoe has probably fallen, you've lost it, gave up, and found another pair of shoes that weren't suspended in mid-air.
But, I'm not at that age yet and I won't tell you my anxiety is any less realizing that this mentality will only last me another 7 years (or so). All I know is right now, I'm OK with not knowing and just living. I have two shoes on and if another one falls out the sky, I'm going to look around to see who it belongs to.