PSA by a Hopeless Romantic

I was always taught you should date for love. Find that inexplicable feeling someone gives you that makes you lose yourself in him or her and eventually find a better version of yourself. However, on several occasions now, friends have confessed that they aren't looking for "love" in the former sense, but they are looking for a partner that makes sense for them financially and politically. Now, none my friends are in politics, however, I keep reading all of these articles and posts about how love is dying etc. ... and I'm wondering if they drank the Kool-Aid? Or are hopeless romantics like me an endangered species?

Take friend #1: attractive, educated, reasonable stable and looking for someone that can fit in his cookie cutter vision. Love optional.
Take friend #2: good looking, type-A, currently seeking higher education and looking for someone that appreciates the obvious offerings AND can match her current expectations +.

I've purposefully chosen one male and one female so I don't read comments about "well it's a girl thing" later :) Both individuals come from great families, are very educated and looking for partners. So it's not to say they can't recognize love. I've argued at nausea the reason love is important AND recommended they watch the Notebook a time or two.

Unfortunately, I think my friends have given up. They don't see a benefit in looking for someone that will give them that half-baked cookie feeling in lieu of being stable and satisfying a vision that might/or might not work fundamentally. Partially, our economy is to blame; everyone in my generation is grasping their wallets and looking for efficient and successful ways to accommodate their dreams in reality -- and this same strategy has been applied to match seeking.
As a complement to all the articles that dictate the overabundance of work in our lives and ridiculous imbalance of work and life of course we have problems taking time to get to know someone for who they are and who they can be in one's future.

Given the current social dynamics and obligations, perhaps us hopeless romantics are on the endangered species list...but we won't go down without a fight (or at least we won't forget to release a movie this summer to inspire summer love).

Dear Ol' UVA...

I needed some time to compile my thoughts and comments from my recent Homecoming visit to UVa - so for those of you who were looking for it. Here it is.
Homecoming weekend at Uva... Driving down I-95 onto Alderman, guided by the giant V and two sabers inked into the road we entered a place we called home for four years. It felt as though we entered a bubble. It was a cultural capsule where it seemed nothing had changed and yet coming from out of town, there was a solemn cloud that followed us, a gentle reminder that this wasn't the real world. It's clear after being in the workplace for two years, UVa was a utopia. You don't really have to deal with adult issues, all of the rent/utilities/billing were spoon fed to you, none of your interactions were multi-level (i.e. work relationships), people can wear cowboy boots and dresses and it's more of a dress code than a fashion faux-pas; oh and singing the Good Ol' Song made everyone feel like one happy community. No wonder we feel duped...I'm not the only person that looked blankly at a fax machine or another esoteric office tool and thought: why didn't I take a class for this? That's what we need a "Real Life 101" that teaches you how to: deal with taxes, office politics, weird roommates, missing landlords, rental agreements, real crime that can't be solved with the honor code... and the list goes on.
I can't decide if the shielding of the real world from the current Wahoos is just an extension of their childhood or the set up for the first of many rude awakenings they will experience in adulthood. For example: at UVa you can feasibly, work, party, study, eat healthy, stay fit, and get enough sleep to do it all again the next day. Guess what? In the real world the routine is sacrificed for things that are considered survival tactics - eating whatever you can find, sleeping when you can, and working for food and shelter. When we were on the Range before the football game, you could still see the flicker of innocence in the eyes of the undergrads, an age of believing and where ignorance is bliss.
It was a great weekend, but returning to grounds and looking at versions of myself pre-real world, was bittersweet. On one hand UVa is now a place we can never go back to without bringing in bias, on the other hand it was a nice reset button to know that in a world that is constantly changing there are some consistencies.

Dare You to Tell the Truth

Friday, I spent a night with the ladies. An uninterrupted night (well besides the usual Harlem soundtrack) with wine, catch up seshs and trading of advice/stories.
Without going into detail, there were two ladies in somewhat transitional points in relationships: meaning it was starting to go down that "not working" path. My personal philosophy is that when you can start to identify those points that are borderline breakup material, you should probably end it before you become even more disappointed. So as I was top lining these convos of the night for the seemingly uninterested bf, he exclaims: "don't you know you aren't suppose to give your friends real advice? Just let them do as they want and agree to whatever it is."
Another odd, surprisingly might be true exclamation from the honeys. So does that mean, no matter how much my girlfriend wants my opinion she really just wants me to tell her "go ahead girl, stay with him?" At what point do we become intrusive as a third party and disable that sounding board effect you have as a friend?
We all know girl code exists, but I don't remember reading a vow of silence being ingrained in the commandments. We're also getting to a point where we have or had substantial relationship learnings that are crucial to pass along - and that leads to the sometimes uninvited comments. I admit I have been on the other end of the receiving unprovoked comments and I didn't want to hear that mess. So I know I'm not the only one that does it, what do we do it? I've decided there are two things that create this convoluted situation of what can be called Girlfriend Feedback.
1. Women, as most of us know, are infamous for ruminating. A natural, innate process that allows us to analyze, critique and belabor incidences, ever after. Girl talk is the pinnacle of the information dump that's going through your head all those days in advance of girl night. So when you are there telling your girlfriends your heart and soul, you don't really want to develop a solution or, as we say in PR, decide on next steps.
The second point is, it's hard to do when you care about your friends and you don't want them to fall into your old footsteps - you talk until you're sure you've convinced them. However, in the end it's her life and her decision. Something that works for you might not work for her: ergo stay out of it and let her make her own choices.
So girl night part two will include less commentary and more listening - guess that's why you have two ears and only one mouth right? Stick to those proportions.

One is silver and the other gold?

Does anyone else remember that girl scout song:

Make new friends, but keep the old,
One is silver and the other's gold,
A circle's round and has no end that's how long I want to be your friend.

Anyone? Well, when I was in Troop 1046 with my Dad as the troop leader, we sang this song over and over. With a simple solution for friendship, what happened to this mantra?
Fast forward from elementary school to high school, when every third person made fun of me for one reason or another and there's my Dad telling me "Dani, you'll only really have two good friends, everyone else can fall by the wayside" (My Dad's two friends are: Dr. Lee, my dentist and hmmm not sure I ever knew the second one). With a segmented high school with the popular and the cool groups, thinking you'll live your life with only two friends and not 10 was devastating.
Circa 2011 and almost two decades after learning this sing-song and the true two rule, friendship is replaced with networking and filtering your true thoughts for the sake of professionalism. I mean really, for same sex relationships what do you say: "ok nice meeting you, are you my friend now?" Don't even think about boy/girl friendships, one of you probably has different intentions and if you don't then someone will probably foster them. 
It's like learning to make friends all over again, this time without the luxury of competitive cookie selling.

Throw back - Senior Year Cedar Point

Don't get me wrong some things Stay True, I still have my two, and they are still gold.

Fairytales for all!

In a perfect girl world, the most magical, romantical fairytale includes: a boy, an unrecognized love that grows over the course of 2 hours (movie time, 6 months real time), the epic fail of that love and then a male realization that he's almost lost the best thing he ever had. For years, no wait decades - this fairytale has manifested itself into the "happily ever after" syndrome that women dream of. We also tend to evaluate the success or failure of each relationship based on where the relationship falls in this ebb and flow.
But then, imagine this fairytale, with Justin Timberlake... cinema gold.

OK OK, this is not only because I'm an obvious NSYNC fanatic (closeted owner of the Justin Timberlake No Strings Attached marionette doll); the new movie "Friends with Benefits" was absolutely charming. A unisex romantic comedy, even the males in the audience (bf included) didn't feel like poking their eyes out throughout the movie. The perfect "one-size fits all" romantic-comedy naturally plays into the ebb and flow of the fairytale, but it also becomes a punctured story with jokes, witty comebacks and a peek into the real life of relationships. To every hyperbole it starts off with some truth and this movie is no exception.
The most obvious reveal is the boy/girl relationship and expectations, for example:

Partial Truth reveal no. 1: In the movie, Justin is closed off - not shocking if you date anyone in the 21st century. The reveal is as a girlfriend no matter how close she thinks she is to her boyfriend she always thinks and feels like he should tell her more. While he might consider family tragedy to be none of her business, she's always hurt when she didn't know.
Partial Truth reveal no. 2: Boys will hook up with the crazies no matter what density of attractiveness. Girls, will always upgrade (unless she's a bottom feeder). MK - chose a doctor, JT - chose a random from the bar.
Partial Truth reveal no. 3: Girls do not share. The inevitable moment when the girl becomes jealous and the boy becomes surprised and drops the whole "oh we aren't dating" line. 

There were plenty, but this blog will not submit to spoilers.

Justin has an air about him that seduces women and makes men want to be him. So in essence, a male digestible fairytale includes some truths as a nod to the brotherhood and still follow this trajectory onto happily ever after; where they find the person just past the end of their nose, and end on Day 1. You can't really see where things are a year later, which explains why there are never sequels to romantic comedies. I guess the morale of this tale is it's all about the moment, the submission to happily ever after, the love, and the fruition of a fairytale (and now I will put away my: I believe in LOVE button).

She is my friend!

I had a very interesting conversation with the bf this week. I've had more than one of my lady-friends claim they are down in the dumps because they are sans boyfriend and living in the city. Take note, Sex and the City might look fun and exciting, but when you are living one bad date after another - it takes its toll. You begin to question whether you are the Carrie of your friends ... or the Miranda.
But never fear - Miranda gets married (and then her husband cheats on her, but that's WAY later). Anyway this conversation with my honeys of what to do about my friends feeling a little less than depressed came to a shocking question.

When it comes to friendships, do boys care more about their friends than girls do?
We landed here because when it comes to happiness it wasn't the amount of friends or social life that was evaluated it was all about the relationship status. My bf pointed out that it doesn't matter to a boy so much that it effects how you feel about a whole city and its experience. At the end of the day, it truly is bros over ... well you know.
For girls, it seems no matter how many friends we have or how many pictures we take having a blast, if there is no man in the picture (literally and figuratively) then the memory of the good time becomes lost. Even those in less than desirable situations, like a boyfriend overseas or cross-country, any relationship is better than none... right?
On the other hand, boys look for situations to celebrate without their girlfriends. Trips to Vegas, "boys night out", you get it.  Let's face it when was the last time a male created his milestones around a woman/marriage...

This idea of friendship and the ever celebrated "sisterhood" that is suppose to be one of the strongest bonds in nature could quite possibly be contingent on a male relationship. Not to bring up fiction or movies, but even in these depictions, female relationships are stronger when a male partner is found or established. Then the sisterhood bond is complete - and although fiction, these are the standards and social norms that we've adopted.

What's even more interesting is the aftermath of a breakup. Women - look to their friends for support and continual male bashing of the former relationship. However, the girl's friends can't help but point out that her relationship was unhealthy due to the lack of attention she gave them in the duration and that she was totally consumed in their relationship (can we say jealous). Unless, the relationship was really unhealthy I haven't heard of guy friends complaining of this "lack of attention" to the brotherhood!

So at the end of the day, the sisterhood is really a question of friend or foe and coincidental timing on a girl's relationship status. No wonder there is no status update for friendships or connections of Facebook, because I imagine a lot of women would have an "it's complicated" status.

And sometimes you just know...

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Has anyone ever revealed to you that some friends can be toxic?? Yes. The toxic friend. You know that friend that really doesn't give a crap about you, but they are a lot of fun?! The ebb and flow of the relationship is just as destructive as an over flowing toilet. No one likes to clean up the mess and pending the situation you might be knee deep in poo. Those toxic people are all around, my roommate is still friends with that psycho-kleptomaniac that used to live with us and I have witness a toxic or two incognito as man stealers. Back in high school during my I'm trying to be cool years, I had one of these toxics in my life. At the time I was the only one that could drive and she convinced me it would be cool to go joy riding in the middle of school. Well since this was my first time in the cool crowd and I didn't want to disappoint - I cut class and there we went piled into my VW bug and headed to the McDonald's on the other side of the tracks. Thinking and praying that I didn't run into my dad (and practically having my stomach drop every time we passed a black Lexus) all seemed to be going well... And then a little red light came on in my car - engine, dying. Immediately, I started to cry pulled over and saw bright red liquid pouring out the bottom of the car. I called my mechanic who told me that was a really bad sign and I should stop driving immediately or the engine would blow. Why me, right? Of course, we were no where near school, how was I going to explain to my dad what happened? So I lied. And if anyone knows me, I'm a terrible liar. I blackout, forget my story and get in even more trouble. Anyhoo, my so called "friend" this whole time is giving me horrible advice telling me to ditch the car and hope someone steals it. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Needless to say joy ride over, we stopped being friends and I was grounded for a week.
Again, one of these lessons learned -why didn't any one tell me that they aren't your friends if they tell you to skip school and go joy riding in the hood?

After Prom 2005 with Shan

Out of the phase, no longer susceptible to peer pressure and balanced by my ever So True friends, I embraced my nerdy self... ahhh much better (minus the acrylic nails).

Leaving on a jet plane ... or the Metro North

One of my dear friends is (dare I say) leaving the city. She is one of the most interesting people I know and she accepts the fact that I am perpetually 10 minutes late to all our meet ups. I met her through a mutual friend about a year ago, but in this short time frame she's miraculously chopped my mile time by :30 and more importantly, she continuously believes in me.
Of course, I'm coming to the age where I realize most of the things my parents told me were true. Like the ever popular, "you never have more that five true friends" (emphasis on true) and I'm glad to say this lady is a true friend. Anyone that will be ink friends with you IS A KEEPER!
(for those of you non-Harriet the Spy fans, I've included an ink friend connection pic). More than that, she's constantly motivated and is always up for a run in the park (even at 6:20am!). I'm telling this story with lots of parentheses because there are lots of things in between - connectors that have to be called out as such because otherwise you'll think I'm just describing any ol' buddy.

All in all, she never knows how far she can go because she has no expectations of stopping. Good luck my dear friend, write to you soon.

Ageless or Timeless?

I'm inching towards my next decade and as of yesterday; I officially have one more year to complete all the goals I set for myself before turning 25. Not to mention when I was twelve I thought by my twenties my career would be established enough for me to have a penthouse on the UWS. Needless to say, with age comes wisdom...or something like that.
It's all very interesting the way things have panned out over the last few years. Being in the school system for the majority of your life you're paired and matched with people your age and they are suppose to be your friends. You're kids, so your little antics are funny and a bonding point. When you are older and in the real world it's odd when you meet people that are ten years older (or more) and they understand you and accept your quirky little ways. Because let's face it by the time you have a job and you start planning your future you're suppose to know better than do all those silly things like make up songs, right? (Wrong. I still make up songs, my latest hit is called "checklist"- lyrics are available upon request)
I cannot argue that the longer you live (pending your life choices) the more experiences you have to pull from to create your book of wisdom. That's the only way people learn. But what about those people that make age, nothing but a number? The old soul, the person that always seems to be ahead of you by at least 20 years. The same person that convinces you to live your life with carelessness but won't reveal to you how they figured that out. Or the beautiful soul, the person that you meet and wonder how you made it this far without knowing them. Those are the kind of people that are just yours, simply, wholly and un-aged. I like to judge those people by thinking about it like this: If I were to put a memory of them in a bottle and look at it ten years later, would that person be the same? Feel the same? Still make you see yourself differently? Yes, yes and definitely.
 So here I am, still making mistakes, wondering what I'll be when I grow up and loving every year that goes by. You know a better way?

Oh New York...

So the city. I almost have a full year and a half under my belt so I thought I would do a recap. Still employed? Check. Still living with three roommates? Check. Still have a hot boyfriend? CHECK! Still weigh the same or less as this time last year? Check. Still love New York??
Luckily, the city hasn't jaded me too much, no matter how hard it tries. Someone from Time Warner stole my friend's ipod while fixing her cable. Another friend was walking down Lenox and had her phone stolen right out of her hand. Someone was shot at the new target that opened on 116th in El Barrio. Oh and let's not forget New York's finest that you see on television are NOT the finest at responding. You could have a dozen people in your apartment acting like vermin taking over space, being nasty and don't pay rent and the cops won't come unless you say someone has a weapon. Is being trifling a weapon?
But, don't worry, I still love running, writing, having coffee and dreaming of my future apartment in Tribeca.
However, even running in the city is an adventure with the characters you see or the petty crime you become a witness to. Let's take my 5 mile run today. I was running down Riverside listening to my ipod when a woman with a pretty large butt (yes, her butt is relevant in this story) ran passed me at what seemed like sprint speed so I assumed she was doing an interval work out and her walking interval was coming soon... I was right, unfortunately for this woman she walked into a gang of tween boys that began chasing after her with a basketball, marveling at her large bottom... They didn't try to rob her or anything they were just being NY annoying boys. Odd, but it's New York so I try not to be surprised with things. Next in the turn of events, when I rounded the corner I saw the little hoodlums waiting there and began to run next to me and try to throw the ball at my feet so I would trip. Clearly compared to the woman before me, my butt wasn't the object of affection, but seeing if they could make me fall was! Moral of this story, New York kids have nothing better to do than hood rat stuff with their friends.
OK, so New York is not all troubled kids, poop, roaches, rats, thieves, inconsiderate people, but it's a part of its lovable personality! I do love the parties, personalities, and the unattainable expectations everyone has of themselves and those around them. It makes you stay on your toes and it makes you feel like every day is on the edge of something better.
Oh New York, how I love thee...

Thank goodness for pairs...

The greatest pair I can think of my shoes! And I was quickly reminded of this last night. Better than PB&J, bagels and cream cheese, Tiny and Toya (ok maybe not them).

After a grueling day at the office I went for a run with a friend and it had been a while since I hit the pavement. I neglected the ipod because I wanted to focus; I wanted to hear the steady beat of my feet against the ground. I wanted my mind to wander and dream... and it did. Then I was reminded what it's like to have a running buddy. I hadn't had one since training for my first long distance race in 2008, when I ran a 10 miler with one of my dearest friends. We were so good together because whenever I couldn't breathe or it was getting too hard, she would just say "you're doing a good job" and I would think - "self, you are doing a good job" (ok I don't address myself this way in my head, but for the purpose of this piece... go with me). I don't know if it was the elementary school teacher in her, or the genuine thoughtfulness that she had to inspire me - either way I'm grateful (though I'm confident it's the latter).

We found in each other true friendship because we made a team sport out of a solo activity and we had plenty of conversations on topics that can only strengthen a relationship. And then she graduated... and I generally ran on my own. I'll admit I resorted to counting to 8 in my head or trying to count how many people would wear green that day on my run. Obviously, it wasn't the same, however that was when I established my runs as a place of solace a true get away from daily stress and surroundings. I can always tell if I have a good run because I almost feel disoriented when I walked into my house - almost a complete out of mind experience. Oh, how I love my running!

Running puts everything in perspective. It's interesting the verb "to run" in our vernacular is often used as an action to signal the escape from something. Running has taught me to not only escape my bad day, but on good days it's taught me to run towards something. The sport has taught me to dig deep and that no matter how hard it might be, you can always go one more mile and get to the end. As most active people can tell you, this not only rings true to the sport, but also to life.

And my running shoes, well they are like the relationships that I've built. The pair I become with each relationships that makes me who I am. I think the true value of a friendship/relationship occurs when you can count on them to make you whole, when you only feel like half of yourself. It's the person who makes sure you are comfortable when you sleep because they know you'll be sore the next day. It's the friend who pushes you forward, but stays close to catch you. Each of my relationships add something to some aspect of my life; they make that part of me whole. You realize you're a pair when you cannot function without the other. Ever lose a shoe before work?? I'm sure you all have at some point; you have to put something on and if you have to pick a different pair - it just doesn't feel right that day. And that's when you know. Nothing feels right in that part of your life without them.

Sure you find your own solace and sure you can look within yourself for inspiration, but you cannot deny that extra push for that extra mile - the simply "you're doing great" can bring you to the finish line stronger.

What's for dinner?... neck bones and sauerkraut!

I really don't like neck bones or sauerkraut BUT wouldn't you know, that's what my Grammy made the first night I was home! I have this love for the South (with a capital S) that I just can't explain. What's even more uncanny is that my niece has picked up a slight southern twang and hasn't step one foot in the South. It's something cultural, certainly a way of life.

I have been know to say things like "dag, aw shucks now... etc" when I'm excited. However, I would like to make clear that I do not use such phrases as "righbackround 'dere" or "this is smaller than turtle balls" or my favorite "these gas prices are higher than a camel's booty". It's just amazing -- the warm comfort food with the abundant use of bacon grease and butter, I feel right at home.

And that makes me think, does tradition and culture make you feel at home and not the hometown itself? If these same traditions were to live in say DC, would it feel any different? OR does a best friend asking if Dennis is spelled with two Ns signify a good time at home!?
I have to say, going for a run around my old high school and tripping over familiar cracks in the sidewalk gives a sense of something that is irreplacable in a new city. So I guess my new home includes a run down riverside tripping over familiar crackHEADS and running pass horse poo in Central Park.

Don't get me wrong. I heart NY... it's by far one of the most interesting and liberating places I've ever lived. It's not the literally space that makes something feel like home, it's the people in that space. When my best friend came to visit NYC (yes the same one mentioned in the above) she feels like home to me and going out made the city feel like home. Friends and family from home are an embodiment of your past and bring out the person you are as your purest self. However, I've certainly met some people that I didn't grow up with that give me a sense of support, love and encouragement.

I'm thankful for all those that have come into my life (short term, or those here to stay). But more importantly I'm glad I've found people and blessed with the family I have that let me be myself and love me for who I am. AND they read my blog :)
Ya'll come back now ya hear... more things to say more entries to blog.