You're So Cray

I've confessed to this readership before I'm a little anxious - a list making, worry wart, that analyzes a situation to death with the best of them. And I know I'm not alone, in fact I can name eight kinds of crazy that I've been exposed to on a daily basis. Here's what I don't understand - I succumb to the craziness of my friends because we're similar; the whole pot calling the kettle black thing, but what I don't understand is why guys put up with crazy girls!
I mean red flags galore! Guys just don't know when enough is enough...
When a girl shows up at your door to show her new tattoo of your name in Chinese letters... she's cray.
When a girl yells at you in front of her friends and then breaks down crying asking why you're so mean...that girl is cray.
When a girl gets mad when you want to get off the phone to watch a game, or show ... and then proceeds to call your phone nineteen times because she sees you tweeting so you must not be fully engrossed with the show...she's cray.
When a girl wants to know your income before she knows your last name ... must I say it? She's cray.
When a girl calls you drunk to tell you she's drunk and around guys for no reason at all but to make you mad...that's just cray!

I could go on and on -- there are numerous and infinite examples of the craziness of girls can bestow on boys and the list continues to grow - because guys put up with it.
Here's my idea, guys put up with the crazy because they like the idea of the taming of the shrew and playing the hero. First - the shrew. The taming or "domesticating" the crazy means you've conquered it. The man has successfully passed the bar and into normalcy a place only found on the border of sane and rational relationships.  Secondly, the hero; this one is obvious, men secretly (or not so secretly) believe women need to be saved, protected and cared for. The crazy that exudes is a sign of the level of how hurt she is from a relationship prior. So, by staying the course and discovering the interworking of what makes her crazy, he'll know the secret on how she can be saved.
Crazy right? Stupid? Or the making of love?
Who knows, but after looking at this do you feel so bad about being cray?
Nope.

He ages like ... cheese

The myth goes: men get better with age, but only some women age gracefully. Men in their twenties don't need to settle down because they will get more handsome and marketable, which can wait to be exposed to the dating pool until their late thirties/early forties. So, they wait and then they make shameless plugs to being "ready" when they are older. Case and point:
This week I was in LA for work and out to drink with colleagues, a group of older men come over to talk about absolutely nothing: so and so is an executive chef and someone else owning real estate. Honestly, after a long day, I just was not in the mood for entertaining the elderly. Then the classic lines from the fogies "what do you do?" "Oh, isn't that interesting..." "So do you have a boyfriend?" For some reason my answer, "yes we've been together for four years", doesn't deter men in their forties as easily as it does their younger peers. The man literally replies with "oh that's nice, you know, I'm ready for marriage now..." I wanted to say, "congratulations for making that revelation so timely in your life," but instead I made a really awkward motion to one of my co-workers mentioning the man's occupation and made the ever-popular escape.
Unfortunately, my thoughts about this man being pathetic seemed to anger karma and a waiter spilled red wine down my shirt and onto a practically new pair of beige shoes (luckily sparing my favorite cargo pants). Maybe karma is favoring the older men that capitalize on waiting? But honestly, did this man really think sans boyfriend someone twenty plus years his junior would be interested in a marriage-friendly male of his age?
And then I thought about the book and now movie "Think Like A Man" that argues men are ready to be married when they feel their life is where it's suppose to be: financially stable, career-elevated, and structurally sound in all other capacities.
Do women simply feel these stable platforms earlier on and men get the realization later? I think men choose to age like cheese, they teeter on curdled and come out as an acquired taste. But don't worry there are plenty of women closer in age that are single, fabulous, and spared of the cougar status. And these are the same women that age like a fine wine, women that know their worth, but no one has uncorked them yet. I'm no match-maker, but since wine and cheese pair well together, maybe if men stop believing in age ain't nothing but a number they could wind up with a nice bottle :)

Three Ways to NOT Pick Up a Girl

I went to a networking event last week and a friend of mine asks me "so what's the best way to get a girl." Now, some of you ego-crazed men are probably thinking "really, dude? Really?" Well let me tell you, the stories I've heard - y'all could use a read of this blog post :)

Now, there are a few different approaches often used by men, here's a look at a few and I've rated effectiveness, scale of 1-10: 10 being the most effective.

1. The one who plots 

Effective? 6.5
The plan: instead of approaching a girl with a line or a "hello my name is ..." this guy is bound to drop his keys or something in the girl's line of sight in hopes he can grab her attention, purposefully bumps into her, anything that offers a nice lead in without forcing himself to think too much about what to say.

Why does this work? Either we laugh at the guy and think, "wow that was really weak, points for creativity and coordination, so hey what can it hurt" (unless he bumps her down some stairs or something)

Why does this fail? It's lame... And it's lame.

2. The one who has a line for everything

Effective? 3.0
The plan: this guy will find a line for everything "hey angel, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" "Excuse me; I think you owe me a drink.”[She says, "Why?"] “Because when I saw you from across the room I dropped mine. It was a rum and Coke, and I’m [your name].” Or how about that guy that makes a nick name for himself, "they call me go-getter, I go-get what I want, even you." Or the worst, when he tries to finish your sentence to suggest chemistry...

Why does this work? Some women believe they can really find someone who drops a line. Unlike the one who plots a guy might get a laugh - or a guffaw. Then she will probably call her friends over and ask you to repeat it ... oh wait I'm jumping ahead to the fail.

Why does it fail? This guy will become a joke, a trip down memory lane during girl talk "remember when that guy said ... "Also, no one knows someone in two seconds - even love at first sight is based on just that - sight not words, so finishing each other's sentences on day one is just annoying or a jinx. Lines generally don't work because they lack creativity and score high in search engine optimization - yes I'm saying he probably found that online.

3. Mr. Suave

Effective? 8.0
The plan: this one knows himself as the best thing she will see today, and he will tell her, "you're the best thing I've seen since I looked in the mirror." His over-arrogance, alpha-male attitude and good looks will basically make a girl think he comes with a horse and carriage.

Why does it work? All women want to be complimented and by someone who looks better than anyone their friends could pull, so if you create a technique capitalizing on such... well #FTW

Why does it fail? Sometimes these guys can go overboard and their cockiness isn't validated. If you're having a low self-conscious day stay away from this one, and yes we can sense fear.

I could go on, but I'll save you the time. Be yourself, I've heard people decide if they like someone within the first minute of meeting them - so if you lead with anything else, she won't like you.

More tips or failures to add? Write me some stories and we'll make it a series regular :)

Return On Investments, relationship style

In business the ever-popular term Return On Investment (ROI) is almost always used in a question: What is my ROI with XYZ...?
When I hear this commonly over-used work abbreviation it makes me wonder, why shouldn't we evaluate our relationships on the same scale?
We all know you have to "put in work" when starting a relationship, but what if you put in too much and the relationship fails? Or what if you don't put in enough and your growth is minimized? OK, maybe I have work on the brain, but let me put this in context - AKA a story!

I have a friend; she's smart, successfully, cute, kind, and a little quiet. She carried on a relationship with a seemingly interesting male for several months. Time investment. She compromised her better judgment by engaging in late night meet ups. Investing in opportunities. She spent time ruminating and contemplating over each mixed signal, always hoping and considering the best-case scenario and ignoring the red flags. Bad investment... So when this not so awesome male figure ended up admitting to still being involved in a serious relationship with an old girlfriend and deemed himself emotionally unavailable, but anxious to keep her on his team, the relationship bank officially ruled: no growth or opportunity in this relationship, negative return on investment.
So what happens when you put in all this work and no benefits come of it? Is it no wonder relationships have transformed from courting to dating to sexting? Know what you're in for is today's mentality and it's all for the sake of saving your investment and energy for one person who really deserves it.  And no, this isn't something my friend expressed, these are situations that happen to everyone and unfortunately (or fortunately) the longer you are with someone leads you to a similar logical question of value or ROI: "is s/he worth it?". From a relationship perspective, begs a deeper answer from the heart and mind coming together to form a conscious decision. Often, the positive or negative answer to: if I give my all-will you be the one I love?
Similar to what I advised my friend, anyone who you feel is taking more than they can give is on the bottom part of the worth scale. Anyone that can try and make you feel less than YOU are worth doesn't deserve any investment, time- opportunity or quality. However, I do believe, there is a tendency to test to true value of a relationship. And there, comes a point in any relationships when we have to stop testing the worth and appreciate the value-otherwise you spend all your time analyzing the investment and never enjoying the benefits.

Rom-Coms and Puppies!

I haven't done a book review in AGES, but I have finished reading several books that can be classified in the lipstick genre - you know, rom-coms in print? The genre that classifies books in the women can never leave home without: lipstick, cell phone, rose colored glasses and a rom-com.
So, while I'm sure my fav authors like Giffin, Davis and Weisberger are coming up with the next best seller in this category I decided to branch out and read a pet-centric, rom-com. Allie Larkin's novel called Stay was the story about a women who drunkenly purchases a Slovakian bred- six month old German Shepard. The novel ebb and flows through the heroine's processing of her late mother's passing, getting over her long time love who recently married her best friend, and maintaining a relationship with her new dog's veterinarian. At first the tangle of relationships seemed daunting and I feared that one relationship would become overshadowed in the book versus another, I was pleasantly surprised when I felt equally enamored in all.
Now, there was one piece of this novel that was slightly unfortunate: the heroine. I learned by a helpful tweet from Ms. Terry McMillan that heroines are suppose to be completely lovable and flawed, yet that flaw must be redeemable. It's kind of like the whole idea of falling in love, you love someone for everything about them - including their flaws. However, I couldn't get over that the author painted this picture of a really unfortunate looking woman, yet everyone was falling head over heels for her - even her vet, who I pictured looking like Ryan Gosling. I don't think her flaw should be her looks, that's just vain - her alcoholism could be one, but I think that trophy goes to Chelsea Handler.
However, the test of a good romantic comedy book for me is when your love for the book turns to sadness and you hate that the book ended and you want to hear about the relationship for 100 more pages; read about their first fight and see what their first child will look like! With that said,  I was sad when this book ended I was even hoping that the dog would meet another dog and have puppies, but that's my romantic side - always looking for the happy ending. Oh and this book made me want to have a pet - or at least babysit my friend's dog.
Until next time my dear readers - hope you pick up this one!

She is my friend!

I had a very interesting conversation with the bf this week. I've had more than one of my lady-friends claim they are down in the dumps because they are sans boyfriend and living in the city. Take note, Sex and the City might look fun and exciting, but when you are living one bad date after another - it takes its toll. You begin to question whether you are the Carrie of your friends ... or the Miranda.
But never fear - Miranda gets married (and then her husband cheats on her, but that's WAY later). Anyway this conversation with my honeys of what to do about my friends feeling a little less than depressed came to a shocking question.

When it comes to friendships, do boys care more about their friends than girls do?
We landed here because when it comes to happiness it wasn't the amount of friends or social life that was evaluated it was all about the relationship status. My bf pointed out that it doesn't matter to a boy so much that it effects how you feel about a whole city and its experience. At the end of the day, it truly is bros over ... well you know.
For girls, it seems no matter how many friends we have or how many pictures we take having a blast, if there is no man in the picture (literally and figuratively) then the memory of the good time becomes lost. Even those in less than desirable situations, like a boyfriend overseas or cross-country, any relationship is better than none... right?
On the other hand, boys look for situations to celebrate without their girlfriends. Trips to Vegas, "boys night out", you get it.  Let's face it when was the last time a male created his milestones around a woman/marriage...

This idea of friendship and the ever celebrated "sisterhood" that is suppose to be one of the strongest bonds in nature could quite possibly be contingent on a male relationship. Not to bring up fiction or movies, but even in these depictions, female relationships are stronger when a male partner is found or established. Then the sisterhood bond is complete - and although fiction, these are the standards and social norms that we've adopted.

What's even more interesting is the aftermath of a breakup. Women - look to their friends for support and continual male bashing of the former relationship. However, the girl's friends can't help but point out that her relationship was unhealthy due to the lack of attention she gave them in the duration and that she was totally consumed in their relationship (can we say jealous). Unless, the relationship was really unhealthy I haven't heard of guy friends complaining of this "lack of attention" to the brotherhood!

So at the end of the day, the sisterhood is really a question of friend or foe and coincidental timing on a girl's relationship status. No wonder there is no status update for friendships or connections of Facebook, because I imagine a lot of women would have an "it's complicated" status.

A Girl Weekend

A girl moment - defined as being the point in time when a girl (or woman) digest information in a way that sometimes leads to an impractical line of reasoning.

So, you can imagine the amount of girl moments and unlicensed psychotherapy that endured over my mini girls get away to Connecticut. First there was a comparison of boys - who's the best, who sucks right now and who needs to get the boot (yes, honeys you were in the running for the best). Then there were the wine confessions. Basically we participated in all the things you imagine girls do when they get together minus braiding hair (we left that one alone).  It was all very interesting each of us in our own stages of budding relationships.

For me, my girl moment was when I definitively began to see what an adult relationship looks, acts, and feels like. When you go on a girl's weekend there is no need to call someone every five minutes or worry what the other person is doing that very moment. I remember in high school I dated someone and you would think we were literally connected at the hip. You know how  journalist fuse first names together to demonstrate the intertwining lives of the celebrities, like Brangelina...? We'll let's just say my first, middle and last name changed because I couldn't move without this person knowing exactly which direction I was going. Don't get me wrong we loved it, relished in it - but anyone who's had more than one relationship, knows your first relationship is your most intense and potentially the most unhealthy. You could find both of us relinquishing fun times in hopes of preserving a few more months, that's when we started to feel like we were wasting time.

An adult relationship seems different, a little more grown up. You're secure with your relationship enough to not feel guilty for having fun without them. I'm not saying my relationship is super mature and we are 100% there, but I don't feel like my time is being monopolized or wasted. I cherish our time together without thinking of moments as a memories, but as a parts of the continuum.

So there you have it, my girlz weekend shone some light on my boy situation.

But isn't that what girl weekends are for? Finding at least 3 other people in the world who read, analyze, dissect and reconsider things exactly the way you do?

How do you like your coffee?

I haven't done a relationship post in a while - so it was fate when I was pulled into a heated argument with my roommates (and one of their boyfriends) - tada! A post is born.
The question of the day: Do Black men step up to the plate when it comes to marriage? Or have Black women taken their role as Mighty Woman too seriously and their melanin counterparts are adding milk and sugar to their coffee?

Before jumping in, let me set the stage and give you a synopsis of the characters:
Roommate Number 1: She's loud. Her argument style is to keep repeating what she wants to say at increasing decibels until someone's ear drums burst OR someone throws up the white flag.
Roommate Number 2: Was the one with her boyfriend present, so she was a little quiet until he said something that could be indicative of their relationship.
The Male: #losing

The women argued that the men in this situation can't accept the responsibilities of marriage. Our male perspective told us that it was Black women like roommate number 1 that makes Black men shy away from marriage - implying her attitude was the main reason Black women don't make it to the marriage material folder (rude *insert eye roll). Both roommates seemed to be concerned that once the financial security comes and marriage is feasible - they add milk to their coffee and no longer like their coffee black and strong.

When I was asked for my two cents my answer was this: Most men black or white need to feel financially complete before they can commit to something like marriage. For example, if financial security is not in the horizon, chances are you're not getting a ring any time soon. In terms of the Black man changing their flavor and taste, I do think Black women need to expand their palette and consider a cafe au lait - if the coffee is weak.