Priorities and Back Burners

It recently occurred to me that the last four years of my life resembled a swinging pendulum vacillating between a series of things that were priorities for a few months and then swinging on to others. There was never a time where I just rested right in the middle balancing life, work, and love.
I think it's important for the most part to realize -- chances are that's never going to happen. 
Hate to be Debbie Downer here, but some things take priority in your life and require your full focus for a few months and then something else that's been on the back burner catches flame and then you have to focus on that. Kind of runs parallel with the whole theory no one has it all at the same time.
It's hard for people to accept, myself included, but sometimes we can't do everything.

So I've devised a plan. I decided whenever I feel overwhelmed or feel like everything I'm trying to do is getting 80% of my energy; I'll focus on one and give it 100%.
I was telling a friend of mine the other day (when she as well was struggling with this idea that we can't have it all -- at the same time) and sometimes you have to put things on the back burner that you don't want to like your relationships. In her case it was her friendships - I told her listen, you have friends for a reason we're always going to be there and yes we need nurturing and attention as well so we can grow together and not apart, but maybe right now isn't the time you're meant to focus on that aspect in your life. I'm learning you have to appreciate the graces that life gives you - like the really good friends that will speak to you like they miss you, but also talk to you like the time missed didn't change a thing. Or if your job is going really well, let it be! Focus that energy elsewhere. Now I'm not saying don't be a rockstar at your job, I'm saying you can always sense when you can breathe for a minute and take a look at something in your life that isn't going that well.

Take for example, when I first moved to the city my priority was survival - no joke. I had just been scammed trying to sell my bed on craigslist (so I was in the red) and I was moving to a city to start my first job where I didn't know anyone, and was also attempting to foster a new relationship. So yes, it was one of those times where everything was up for grabs and I was praying nothing would fall through. At the top of everything I just wanted to survive, eat and have a place to call home - and that's what I did. I put everything into understanding my new job so I could excel and I tried hard to keep my cat from running around the tiny apartment chasing the bugs... There were things that fell. I ran a marathon that year and didn't train as hard - ran my worst time so far and almost got picked up by the slow truck.
And that was then. But what I have now out of that 'season: priority just make it to tomorrow,' is the ability to know what it's like to be comfortable. Comfortable is the feeling you get when you can relax in a moment, you can be yourself and not that scared, anxious person; and that my friend is the goal.
I know when I write things like this it makes it seem like it's so easy or that I have it figured out, but let's be honest 1.) I don't and 2.) This kind of acceptance will be hard and it also might not always work. Life isn't a rhythm it's more of an undefined span of time with highs, lows, moments of acceleration and pause. But at least if you appreciate and accept, that you have a lot of things that matter to you and that you are only one person; then this small token of advice might help you ride the wave, pick your moment, focus, get comfortable then move on to the next thing.
Don't hate on priorities and don't stress when you have too many that need attention all at once. You have priorities to make you choose what will make you feel balanced if you attend to it in that moment. And when you feel like you're coasting take a look at something you might have set on the back burner a long time ago, maybe it's time that became a priority.

You're So Cray

I've confessed to this readership before I'm a little anxious - a list making, worry wart, that analyzes a situation to death with the best of them. And I know I'm not alone, in fact I can name eight kinds of crazy that I've been exposed to on a daily basis. Here's what I don't understand - I succumb to the craziness of my friends because we're similar; the whole pot calling the kettle black thing, but what I don't understand is why guys put up with crazy girls!
I mean red flags galore! Guys just don't know when enough is enough...
When a girl shows up at your door to show her new tattoo of your name in Chinese letters... she's cray.
When a girl yells at you in front of her friends and then breaks down crying asking why you're so mean...that girl is cray.
When a girl gets mad when you want to get off the phone to watch a game, or show ... and then proceeds to call your phone nineteen times because she sees you tweeting so you must not be fully engrossed with the show...she's cray.
When a girl wants to know your income before she knows your last name ... must I say it? She's cray.
When a girl calls you drunk to tell you she's drunk and around guys for no reason at all but to make you mad...that's just cray!

I could go on and on -- there are numerous and infinite examples of the craziness of girls can bestow on boys and the list continues to grow - because guys put up with it.
Here's my idea, guys put up with the crazy because they like the idea of the taming of the shrew and playing the hero. First - the shrew. The taming or "domesticating" the crazy means you've conquered it. The man has successfully passed the bar and into normalcy a place only found on the border of sane and rational relationships.  Secondly, the hero; this one is obvious, men secretly (or not so secretly) believe women need to be saved, protected and cared for. The crazy that exudes is a sign of the level of how hurt she is from a relationship prior. So, by staying the course and discovering the interworking of what makes her crazy, he'll know the secret on how she can be saved.
Crazy right? Stupid? Or the making of love?
Who knows, but after looking at this do you feel so bad about being cray?
Nope.

Good Fortune

The lottery - when exactly can I win that? Someone shared with me this article the other day about people under 30 who are multimillionaires and what they think about their new disposable income.  Oh and the article rightfully titled "What it's like to be loaded by 25" I begrudgingly opened the link ready to become extremely bitter and launch into the "why didn't I think of a software solution technology at 18" speech, which I've almost perfected. But, after reading this- the guy is actually not a tool. He wisely invests his money and pays himself a monthly salary to contribute to what he successfully qualifies as fun and worry-free activities, without dwindling away his intellectual property gains. Jealous, interested and consciously in a daily movement away from being able to relate to this article as I inch towards 26; I decided that the same logic for good fortune in money can be applied to relationships. Dumb luck? Or strategic planning? Action-oriented? Or passive believer?
My sister inspired this post when she challenged me to think that numbers and sequential paths have a role in relationships and fateful tryst. My sister asked me the other night if I believed there was magical number of people you have to date before you fatefully meet the one that's yours? Essentially, making a match ideally made in heaven in fact a resolute sequence of interactions that can be obtained with confidence, persistence and unwavering belief in the science of numbers...so basically a lottery?
A system of rotating matches, just waiting for someone else out there to carry the exact same sequence. If this is the case, than the allegiance to believing in love and the feeling that "this could be it" every time you enter into a new relationship has to trump every sense of doubt or disappointment.
Now, in the traditional sense from someone who doesn't play the NY Lottery, except in the occasional low point in life, I couldn't advise my sister that yes, there is a sequence of matches that you must meet, get to know and potentially end before you find what's destined to be yours.
Because just like gaining a substantial financial fortune, you could wish, hope and play numbers - or you can know what it's like to be loaded at 25. Meaning, create a strategic investment that will result in a worry-free and a simply fun love.

 The way one achieves good love fortune is to his/her discretion, if we use the lottery and the young millionaire as our analogous examples they are both rare and exceptional stories, right? So, where does the standard middle-class worker fit in the fortune pool...? I imagine in their case, the success of fortuitous love comes from daily work for trust and happiness. Just like with financial goals, that the 'happily ever after' always feels slightly out of reach, but enough motivation to know you can get there with a little hard work.
In any situation retirement is the ultimate goal - and for love that becomes marriage- the ability to lavish in one's earnings.

PSA by a Hopeless Romantic

I was always taught you should date for love. Find that inexplicable feeling someone gives you that makes you lose yourself in him or her and eventually find a better version of yourself. However, on several occasions now, friends have confessed that they aren't looking for "love" in the former sense, but they are looking for a partner that makes sense for them financially and politically. Now, none my friends are in politics, however, I keep reading all of these articles and posts about how love is dying etc. ... and I'm wondering if they drank the Kool-Aid? Or are hopeless romantics like me an endangered species?

Take friend #1: attractive, educated, reasonable stable and looking for someone that can fit in his cookie cutter vision. Love optional.
Take friend #2: good looking, type-A, currently seeking higher education and looking for someone that appreciates the obvious offerings AND can match her current expectations +.

I've purposefully chosen one male and one female so I don't read comments about "well it's a girl thing" later :) Both individuals come from great families, are very educated and looking for partners. So it's not to say they can't recognize love. I've argued at nausea the reason love is important AND recommended they watch the Notebook a time or two.

Unfortunately, I think my friends have given up. They don't see a benefit in looking for someone that will give them that half-baked cookie feeling in lieu of being stable and satisfying a vision that might/or might not work fundamentally. Partially, our economy is to blame; everyone in my generation is grasping their wallets and looking for efficient and successful ways to accommodate their dreams in reality -- and this same strategy has been applied to match seeking.
As a complement to all the articles that dictate the overabundance of work in our lives and ridiculous imbalance of work and life of course we have problems taking time to get to know someone for who they are and who they can be in one's future.

Given the current social dynamics and obligations, perhaps us hopeless romantics are on the endangered species list...but we won't go down without a fight (or at least we won't forget to release a movie this summer to inspire summer love).

You take 1/2

So it's 2012 - end of the Mayan calendar, beginning of my first mile marker in becoming a centenarian. Just kidding, I know I'm being a little dramatic about my birthday, so don't worry that's not why I'm writing to you today. I've been thinking about sharing; you know this was the first year my honeys came with me over the holidays. I had spent a few holidays with his family so this completed the circle - we shared our families with each other. At the end of it my bf discovered I'm the weird one in my family...
We shared so many wonderful moments together, laughing at my nephew who talks like he's a thirty year old trapped in a three year old body. Seeing the matriarch of my family hold our newest member. Listening to my sister vow to only invest in relationship that are valuable in the truest sense of that word. We spent four days together at home and my bf left with the most cookies from my Grammy (much to my Dad's dismay) and more of my heart than he can know. Might be slow on understanding this, but here's what I figure - I give 1/2 of me and you give me 1/2 of you, as long as we promise to make each other whole whenever we're together what more can a girl ask for?

Happy, happier, love

Ah, Valentine's Day... all the typically cliches linger in the air. This time of year always makes me think about the "happily ever after", what it used to mean vs. what it means now. Back in the day, Cinderella was my favorite movie - my dad tells me I would cry and cry once the wedding bells rang and The End would appear on the screen. Back then, the only thing I was worried about was seeing the story again; anticipating the fantastical obstacles fate threw at the couple to keep them apart, but only in the end to see that true love prevailed! I didn't care what happened after "The End" because that was it; if they wanted you to think on it they would conclude the movies with "The Beginning". Every couple has their story and to the larger public once you hit happily ever after, it's just that, it's happy forever after that moment. With all the critiques and comments made about Disney Princess movies we should all consider that as our mantra for love: ... and you live happily ever after. But, see, Cinderella might have lost her shoe that day, but she knew where it was and she wasn't sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop - she was with Prince Charming, not  Prince "I'm temporarily" Charming "until you rationalize me as less than that". I'm thinking at that moment, when the wedding bells start to ring in the movie, Cinderella decided to live her life in that moment when she was happy.

A note to my dear readers, this post isn't to be taken as naive, it's one thing to fall in love and decide then and there this is love, it is quite another thing to fall in love with the idea of a person and have your expectations fall short.
So now, happily ever after makes me think of one moment. I can remember a physical moment in space and time when I fell in love. When something inside me was so happy and so present running for miles couldn't exert this energy. And with all his faults I can't help but still feel that happy - and when you are this happy, it doesn't have a time stamp, so it could very well be ever after... Happy Valentine's Day!!

And then there was the other shoe ...

I've confessed my secrets about being a nervous nellie and someone who is perpetually nervous or anxious. I even subtly mentioned about the checklist I run through when I leave my house or work every day. Keys? Check. Wallet? Check. Sanity ... eh? While, these nuances might be unique to double d, I've discovered a trend that many my age + can relate to...the idea of 'waiting on the other shoe to drop'.
Growing up has made me realize several things (too many to count) but most certainly I've come to the conclusion that in this transition period the elder call "the twenties" you live each moment as your last or in some situations become too scared to move because you are waiting for the other shoe. So many things about getting older is a perpetual waiting game, "will I get the job", "will I find my perfect apartment", "will I fall in love"? The essence of this waiting game is knowing there is something on the other side, and for you crazy dramatics it probably isn't half bad, but the point is when do you realize the shoe has fallen.
Not that I realize a shoe of mine has fallen, but I have come to find out that waiting is no way to live and we all do it. Trust me, I'm not going to end this post with "what's meant to be will be" because I hate that saying or "everything happens for a reason" -- someone come up with a better answer please. It's almost like, the shoe that drops is the one you were looking for anyway so you might as well put it on and keep on walking.
When you're older you have a better sense of being and the other shoe isn't about to drop. In fact the shoe has probably fallen, you've lost it, gave up, and found another pair of shoes that weren't suspended in mid-air.
But, I'm not at that age yet and I won't tell you my anxiety is any less realizing that this mentality will only last me another 7 years (or so). All I know is right now, I'm OK with not knowing and just living. I have two shoes on and if another one falls out the sky, I'm going to look around to see who it belongs to. 

How much is that worth?

First I would like to say I appreciate a solid ad campaign as much as the next writer, but Mastercard your priceless-ness is becoming affordable. How can a person living in New York miss the ad campaign painting the subway and bus stations asking consumers to "sign up for a priceless New York experience". At its beginning,  the ad campaign had what Malcolm Gladwell would call 'stickiness'; the ability for culture to pick up a concept or fad and embed it into society as a way of life, but frankly times have changed and anything built with adhesive can fall off with the heat from the next hot slogan.

Maybe it's the whole process of becoming an adult, but I've learned everything costs something. The most sacred relationships can be torn apart by monetary value. It makes you think, what are you worth to someone? Do you ever turn down an expensive dinner or drinks out because it's the end of the month or pay day is too far away, and you think "it's not worth it". To give kudos to the ad campaign, these moments are priceless -- put it on your Mastercard!

Unfortunately, people and credit cards have limits. People are considered valuable by the contribution we can offer. Additionally, since we are also a comparative culture you can always find value in how the person measures up relative to something else. Even a relationship is subject to this price branding. Love is the eternal supply and demand example. If you give someone all your love and the demand for it isn't there, you lose. And the reverse rings true -- if you demand love from someone and they don't have enough to give you, you lose. Is there a 401-K for love? The love with a spouse, love one, sibling or parent ... Can you store all the love that you have with someone in the event you have a falling out? In which case you'll have a fund that you can draw from stocked with memories and evidence of that once solid love? Now that would be something to invest in!

Speaking of investments Mastercard, I beg you let the ad giant come up with something new for you in regards to a new ad campaign ... Use the promotion of giving away a priceless experiences in New York as a PR initiative. I'm surprised there wasn't a change in direction especially with today people are putting a price on anything! Unfortunately, nothing is priceless but maybe you could take a spin on the priceless concept, and tell consumers : Yes. It's worth it.

Two Faces in the mirror

I know. I know. It's been a while since I've written you ... the thing is, I've been struggling to concentrate my thoughts into a coherent piece for you to read. There have been a few ripples in the pond these last few weeks (to say the least) and pretty much my mind has been completely saturated with thoughts the only thing I could viably say I was feeling was confused. 

And on top of everything, my Internet and cable was turned off for like a week (don't ask); I was restricted to watching episodes from Sex and the City. Does any one else wonder why Darren Star's portrayal of New York, lacks people of color? The closest thing they come to are cab drivers and they don't have sex in the city - they live in Brooklyn. Frankly, all popular TV shows are like that or the women of color are asexual. Grey's ... Dr. Bailey - you can't see her as sexy, Christina Yang, she's too angry and focused to be sexy. The thing is I think women of color are too sexy for TV. That's right, we have too much to offer and some writer from a top tier journalism school has yet to figure us out. 


OK, OK, so you tell me to watch Girlfriends? First the show was canceled by popular demand and second I refuse to believe that every black woman can be classified within the following stereotypes; too hood for prime time TV, successful and non-marriage material, the light skinned confused one that doesn't know what she wants so settles on not settling, and finally the pretty one that loves herself too much she realizes no one can match her.  Are these women the mirror TV show of Sex and the City "in living color"?? Or is the whole premises of female television founded in the underline fairy tale of happily ever after? I'm not going to even mention the abomination of Lifetime movies. *Although as a side note, I have been known to watch one or two on a hyper sensitive weekend...

 And if you for a minute  take this theory of women television to be true, wouldn't the male counterpart of Sex and the City be ... Entourage? In this television fantasy the men never marry, or commit to anything, except making themselves better. At the end of each fantasy the women get to be with their men and men fall deeper in love with themselves. I agree that as a form of vicarious living this is true.

 The female characters being a identification point for ourselves. However, I fall victim and witness to  women in our real lives letting them become saturated with men and the thought of men or dating or marriage or a combination of this list. Here's a real life example, I knew a girl in college who's boyfriend was in medical school her fourth year. Every Thursday night in preparation for his visit she would give herself a bikini wax, deep condition and a manicure/pedicure. On a day to day basis she was always drop dead gorgeous, but I couldn't help but wonder if one Thursday she would forget one of her primping details and he would notice...? Honestly, how truthful and substantial is a relationship if her week was built off growing enough hair to wax on Thursday...


I know as women we aren't all like my friend from college, nor do we embody the "Carrie, or Joan" from the characters on women television; but again, I point out that for both men and women the characters allow us to see the value in feeling accomplished in the eyes of another AND ourselves.

When you look in the mirror you have two faces looking back you (no you're not drunk) but you're seeing yourself as in your simplest form. This is the person that knows they pick their nose or purposefully slams dishes in the morning out of spite for their still sleeping roommates. The other face is you of course, but it's the person you want people to see. No one wants people to know that they have a checklist by the door of things to remember before leaving the house. Or the blemish that is harder to hide, when left uncovered would reveal why you hate mother's day or tell the story of why  your prayers never change because you still have hope for people in your life that have failed you.  The combination of these perceptions makes you your own, the sacrifice or giving into one of these parts loses the whole. Although you successfully hide these things from people it's all apart of one. I journey to say first see yourself in the simplest form stick with her (or him) for a while, before primping and putting makeup on the other.

Now, for a special note to my male readers: love your lady as much as you love yourself... who knows you might find someone that loves you even more than you do.

Write to you soon ...

Ah hah! The missing piece of the relationship puzzle.

To my dear female readers a piece of wisdom.

Since I have recently taken a step in my personal  history, my current relationship is the longest I've had ... ever. This step can be shocking - it's one of those "great I'm doing something right!" and then it quickly becomes, "crap - better keep doing what I'm doing" (while silently making a list of everything you've done successfully). Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of things that I haven't learned about the male species or my bf (who can attest to this). But, I'm going to give you a piece of advice I learned because I would feel selfish without passing this gem down. Be confident in yourself and your relationship. Easier said then done yes, but here's something a little easier: Relax. He loves you, or he really likes you (whatever degree you are at this point) let things move forward instead of analyzing every step of the way.

So, I've put together a few examples of commonly misconstrued quotes, along with girlfriend interpretation and actual meaning. This way next time you hear this you won't completely freak out!

Quote #1: "I just need a little space, I'm going to have a boys weekend"
Girlfriend interpretation: "OMG. He's going to break up with me ... let me freak out as much as possible and make him miserable; so if he is in fact going to end it he'll do it sooner out of annoyance. And if he doesn't then I would've ruined his idea that he wanted space and he withstands another one of my crazy illogical tests."
Actual Meaning: "I see my girlfriend all the time and I just want some time to relax and not worry about faking enthusiasm over blueberry picking. I just want to hang out with my friends."
*The interesting thing about this common misinterpretation is that guys NEVER freak out if there's a girl weekend in the making. In fact, they are encouraged! (Although, we can all admit that this encouragement is short lived, since women tend to get around each other - complain and consequently take whatever "new found" insecurities out on their boyfriends at first sight; but the initial intention of supporting a girls' weekend is good). Moral of this story,  ladies, let him have his weekend - if you are meant to be you have nothing to worry about, he's not going to cheat on you, he's probably going to do exactly what he says "just going to hang out with his friends".

Quote # 2: "What do you mean 'do I miss you' I saw you last night?"
Girlfriend interpretation: "WTF. How could he not miss me, we had such a good night last night and it's all I'm thinking about and I can't believe he doesn't even care enough to miss me already! I have all these emotions that I can't wait to share with him and all he can do is trivialize my feelings by putting a time stamp on them! That's the last time I share how I feel about him, from now on it's Closed up Christine for him!"
Actual Meaning: "I don't feel the need to tell you how much I miss you or think about you every minute we are apart. At this point by default I miss you because I like being with you, but not so much that's it's bubbling out of me to tell you. I can wait until tomorrow to see you - I won't die."
*In defense of most women who default to the girlfriend interpretation this can appear a little vague - but think about this if it was in the other extreme ... picture a boyfriend that couldn't bear to leave you and the moment he steps in his car and he's out of hearing distance (since he screams I LOVE YOU out of his car window down the street)  he's calling or texting you how much he misses you. That's no way to live, or love for this matter. Bottom line: Relax he misses you - and keep it interesting so it will give him something to miss you for.

Quote # 3: "Do you think we could just have a night in tonight?"
Girlfriend interpretation: "WHOA. Who does he not want to see out - he's hiding something, since he knows I've been planning this meet up with all my girlfriends and I want him to come. How could he spring this on me?! Great he's cheating...fml."
Actual Meaning: "I want to spend time with you. Just you."
*This is my favorite reaction because it's not just with nights out, it's the reaction that comes from girls with any activity that boyfriends do not seem overly enthusiastic about (like blueberry picking - who wouldn't want to do that??). Ladies, I know you love your girlfriends, but if your man wants to just hang out with you that's not something to complain about. In fact it's probably a good thing because it shows that he doesn't need to go out constantly aka consistently scope out the room for the next gf. Or he's probably trying to avoid that foreseen awkward situation where he's the only man in a group of 10 women - can you blame him?

Key Takeaways - trust. If you trust yourself and you trust your boyfriend you should be able to read between the lines a little better and not default to your crazy "OMG, he hates me" thoughts. Enjoy your relationship and the people you are becoming together, who knows if you stop being crazy you might have time to love a little more and let him love you better.

Thank goodness for pairs...

The greatest pair I can think of my shoes! And I was quickly reminded of this last night. Better than PB&J, bagels and cream cheese, Tiny and Toya (ok maybe not them).

After a grueling day at the office I went for a run with a friend and it had been a while since I hit the pavement. I neglected the ipod because I wanted to focus; I wanted to hear the steady beat of my feet against the ground. I wanted my mind to wander and dream... and it did. Then I was reminded what it's like to have a running buddy. I hadn't had one since training for my first long distance race in 2008, when I ran a 10 miler with one of my dearest friends. We were so good together because whenever I couldn't breathe or it was getting too hard, she would just say "you're doing a good job" and I would think - "self, you are doing a good job" (ok I don't address myself this way in my head, but for the purpose of this piece... go with me). I don't know if it was the elementary school teacher in her, or the genuine thoughtfulness that she had to inspire me - either way I'm grateful (though I'm confident it's the latter).

We found in each other true friendship because we made a team sport out of a solo activity and we had plenty of conversations on topics that can only strengthen a relationship. And then she graduated... and I generally ran on my own. I'll admit I resorted to counting to 8 in my head or trying to count how many people would wear green that day on my run. Obviously, it wasn't the same, however that was when I established my runs as a place of solace a true get away from daily stress and surroundings. I can always tell if I have a good run because I almost feel disoriented when I walked into my house - almost a complete out of mind experience. Oh, how I love my running!

Running puts everything in perspective. It's interesting the verb "to run" in our vernacular is often used as an action to signal the escape from something. Running has taught me to not only escape my bad day, but on good days it's taught me to run towards something. The sport has taught me to dig deep and that no matter how hard it might be, you can always go one more mile and get to the end. As most active people can tell you, this not only rings true to the sport, but also to life.

And my running shoes, well they are like the relationships that I've built. The pair I become with each relationships that makes me who I am. I think the true value of a friendship/relationship occurs when you can count on them to make you whole, when you only feel like half of yourself. It's the person who makes sure you are comfortable when you sleep because they know you'll be sore the next day. It's the friend who pushes you forward, but stays close to catch you. Each of my relationships add something to some aspect of my life; they make that part of me whole. You realize you're a pair when you cannot function without the other. Ever lose a shoe before work?? I'm sure you all have at some point; you have to put something on and if you have to pick a different pair - it just doesn't feel right that day. And that's when you know. Nothing feels right in that part of your life without them.

Sure you find your own solace and sure you can look within yourself for inspiration, but you cannot deny that extra push for that extra mile - the simply "you're doing great" can bring you to the finish line stronger.

"Be with me when I grow up"

A page from a young lover's diary:

All I want is to grow up. I don't want to dream, I don't want to love. I want to be logical and purposeful with each action that I make. I want to be responsible for my actions and I want to fall out of love and I would like every relationship to be filled with nothing but mutual consideration.

I want to be older. I want time to stand still and propel me forward so I don't have to act like a child and relish in my naivety. I don't want to see you as you. I want to have wisdom and I want to feel like I've done it all before. I never want to be scared, I want my nightmares to bring insight and I want my tears to come with joy. I don't want heart ache.

I want to be selfish. I want to earn that sense of entitlement that only comes with age. I want to feel like regret is not an option and that every action has an equal and opposite reaction... I don't want to feel indifferent.

As a matter of fact I want him to feel the opposite of everything that I want.

I want him to be young forever. I want him to dream of me and love me all over again - but since I am old I will not see how perfect we make each other. But he'll regret and he'll cry because he feels pain. I don't want that.

I know none of this will happen. I know we'll have to grow up together. I will ask him to and he'll say yes. And I'll stay as I am. I'll make choices without knowing the outcome and I'll choose to love him because that's all I want. And I'll ask him this: "be with me when I grow up and love me when I'm old so I can always be a child and love you for you".